Jeana Catarino, a HOPE member, wrote the following article. The follow up article can be found on the Newsletter Page in the Fall 2010 New Hope Newsletter.
My husband, Anthony, and I often ponder the appropriate answer when we’re so often asked “how many children do you have?” We have two children. We have one beautiful angel in heaven, Anthony John (A.J.), and one beautiful angel on earth, Angelina. It continues to be the most difficult question we’re faced with when we’re out enjoying time with our beautiful baby girl. We’re obviously parents as we tote around our 19 month old daughter or push her in the stroller. So often complete strangers feel compelled to ask this question that cuts so deeply to the heart of our wound; something so simple yet so deeply personal. The truth is our first born, A.J., died at 35.6 weeks due to a “cord accident”. He was absolutely perfect and beautiful in every single way, and we will continue to grieve his death for the rest of our lives as we’re forced to cope with the missing piece of our family puzzle. It’s devastating and heart-wrenching to think about how his promising life was ended so soon, but alas, we must persevere.
In an effort to honor our son and keep his memory alive, we decided to make memory boxes for Emerson Hospital in Concord, MA, where A.J. was born. We feel a deep connection to the nurses and staff at Emerson, one in which we continue to nurture today. On the night of A.J.’s second birthday, this past March 18th, 2010, we began our new tradition…we dropped off the first round of memory boxes which we somberly made with lots of love in the hopes they grow dusty and dirty over many years of not being called to duty.
Shortly after A.J.’s birthday and our visit to Emerson, we were approached by the hospital to be interviewed for a short story for their newsletter. The newsletter was described as an “uplifting” and “positive” way to connect with the Emerson Hospital community by sharing momentous or profound stories of survival, determination, acceptance, etc. The public relations department found our story to be interesting and thought it would be a nice way of sharing how wonderful the nurses were at Emerson, and the loving care we received by their staff, even under our devastating circumstances. They found it to be uplifting that Anthony and I went on to have another baby and delivered her at Emerson Hospital, a true testament to the superb care of their facility and our full faith in the hospital staff. In a world where we don’t get to talk about A.J. very often, naturally, we obliged.
To our dismay, Emerson decided to retract the story from being published in their newsletter as they feared it may “upset the masses”. Needless to say we were (and still remain) extremely disappointed. In the aftermath of our disappointment, withstanding the overwhelming feelings of grief, Anthony and I will ALWAYS share that we have two beautiful babies when asked “How many children do you have?” A.J. would have been 2.5 years old, and our beautiful baby girl, Angelina, is 1.5 years old. There is no shame in this; it infers no fault on behalf of the parents or the medical community. Sometimes babies die and we’re forced to move forward in life; and the best way we know how to move forward is to continue to talk about and include A.J. in our family and our daily decisions and tasks. We will continue to share A.J.’s brief yet profound life with Angelina and she will always know that she has a big brother in heaven. We will continue to tend to his garden in the spring, summer and fall and hang his ornament on the Christmas tree each winter. We will continue to donate memory boxes to Emerson Hospital in his honor. I will continue to share in the HOPE Group, thanks to Rindy and Donna and many of the strong and miraculous women that have come before me. I will continue to contribute to this newsletter to hopefully provide my insight and share my experiences in what lies ahead for parents just starting out on their difficult and tumultuous journey. I will also continue to share A.J.‘s beautiful life with complete strangers who don’t know any better than to ask such personal questions…because my son does exist. I will always be his Mom, he will always be my first born, and I thank God for him every day; and for this I will never feel ashamed.